STRATEGIZING. Problem solving. I call it Predict and Fix. If you are an entrepreneur, it’s a kind of happy place. We are good at it. And it works well – lots of the time.
But sometimes it’s also what keeps us up at night. Sometimes trying to predict and fix feels well….. relentless. The more we think, the more anxious and stressed we become.
You know what that feels like in your body.
Distracted. Exhausted, withdrawn. Agitated. Like a hot wire is running though you, like your mind is a supernova? Exploding. IN HYPERDRIVE.
We are not our best selves or living our best lives.
I call it Circling the Rabbit Hole
Rabbit Hole
A bizarre confusing situation, environment or automatic mental process
chasing something complicated
Hard to get out of
never truly arriving anywhere
Familiar?
PROBLEM SOLVING OR RABBIT HOLE THINKING
Begin with some version of these two words
WHAT IF?
How do you know which process you are in?
How do you recognize rabbit hole‘ what ifs’ and what do you do when you find yourself there?
Rabbit Hole ‘what ifs’ are not problem solving. It can begin by feeling that way, but it is not problem solving. Just relentless. Just hard.
When we try and use predict and fix thinking on things that are not concrete obstacles – over which we have little influence, we are likely circling the rabbit hole.
When we mistake thinking for action. When we mistake thinking for solution.
The outcome is anxiety.
So …. when you get that feeling in your body or you are facing something that feels complicated, the very first and most important question you can ask is, am I looking at a PROBLEM where problem solving will work or a RABBIT HOLE where it will not.
It can be easy to confuse them so here are some clues.
PROBLEM ‘what ifs’
Consider concrete obstacles
Predicting is based on experience, knowledge, strong probability, evidence
Are actionable
We can influence or resolve it
Rooted in articulated goals
There is an end even if another problem piece
‘WHAT IF’ thinking brings empowerment, relief and accomplishment, even excitement
RABBIT HOLE ‘what ifs’
Predicting is attempted with INFINITE hypothetical catastrophic possibilities
Not influenceable or fixable BECAUSE they are
Abstract and absolute futures (should Must Never, always)
Rooted in fear
Unproductive - just more of the same
WHAT IF Thinking ‘brings anxiety and depletion
MOST STUFF HAS BOTH PROBLEMS AND RABBIT HOLES
A helpful way to begin to visualize where our what if is heading, is to imagine WHAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH on a normal distribution curve.
Any situation external or internal event (like a thought or feeling) - our goal, issue, challenge or opportunity is at the upper centre part of the curve. Most events combine problems and rabbit holes:
This is a good idea
Get a diagnosis
My partner leaves
I’m not happy in this relationship
I lose a contract – bank says no
I have an urge to …..
I’m feeling angry… or happy.. or…
I agree to give a talk
One side of the curve are strategic, problem solving what if s
What if I give a talk and don’t pick something of interest? Problem? Yes. Obstacle to success? Yes. Influencable yes? Can I take action.? Yes. Ask around. Was I relieved after talking to some current clients about what would interest them? Yes.
The problem side does not keep us up at night. It’s what we add to it with rabbit hole thinking.
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On the right - where we are focusing today, is the rabbit hole what if process
Been on that slide? From vision, self-reflection into self-doubt, overwhelm, self-criticism, and even self-defeating behaviours.
I’m giving a talk. I have something of interest.
What if my clients are wrong?
What if I can’t communicate effectively?
What if I embarrass myself? And…….
What if I look at the audience and they are obviously bored?
I’m not any good as everyone else is expecting and everyone else is BETTER?
I never have another opportunity this good and and…. and
My dreams are crushed and ………..
Phew! None of that is actually or currently solvable no matter how much thinking I do. I’m just circling the rabbit hold trying to solve ………..? WHAT?
So, the second important question is
Where is the white rabbit leading?
What’s in the rabbit hole?
It’s the circling that’s the problem. AVOIDING the hole.
SO … JUMP IN
Ask what fear are my “what ifs’ trying to SOLVE? Protect me from? Direct me toward?
It’s often at least 1 of these 4 things.
EMOTIONAL ECHO
Emotions experienced in highly INTENSE PAINFUL event
usually in our far past, often childhood
Locked in our emotional memory
We desperately try and avoid any echo of that emotion
(being the eldest of three girls and always outside the sibling circle)
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BREAKING A BRULE
A bull**t rule
Vishan Lakhiani The Code of the Extraordinary Mind
Describes bull**t rules
Decided by others
They get tightly bound to good, bad, right, wrong, lovable, unlovable
They become an automatic and unconscious basis for judgement
(ALWAYS FINISH WHAT YOU START – NO MATTER WHAT!!!
DON’T STAND OUT)
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FUTURE REGRET
FEAR I will get to be x age and …
Have taken the wrong road,
Missed a critical opportunity
Experienced an unmet longing
Realize it’s too late for……
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MORAL OUTRAGE
I can’t stand it when I can’t make something right or the way I want!!!
Some things are simply not fixable in themselves
(I want to be a rock star or……6 FEET AND WILLOWY.)
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As long as you keep circling, anxiety wins.
The trick is to recognize when you are circling the rabbit hole, jump in and follow the rabbit all the way down and through, understand the message you are hearing and make it a problem you can solve.
Use the following five steps:
1. Recognize: Rabbit Hole (use your body and rabbit hole criteria)
2. Pause with curiosity a(regulate if needed with cold, rhythmic exercise, tapping, breathing, distraction, self-soothing)
3. Separate any actual problem or obstacle that is part of it and solve it (use problem criteria)
4. JUMP: Emotional Echoes, Brules, Future Regret, Moral Outrage? What is my fear? NO RIGHT OR WROING HERE JUST ONFORMATION. YOU STILL HAVE CHOICE.
5. Operationalize by turning the fear into a solvable problem with these questions.
What old feeling experience is echoing? Aloneness
Acknowledge, process and release the echo. How is it relevant or effective now?
What rule(s) am I keeping for fear of punishment?
Name the rule and call bull**t on it. How is it relevant or useful now?
What aspect of my life, values, or song in my heart am I currently neglecting? Putting on hold? I
Look at your current balance and priorities. Have you forgotten or not acknowledged some core values?
What reality am I refusing?
Are you simply stamping your baby feet?
Or do you need to explicitly define what is important about what you want?
never wait in line
Make people happy
wear certain clothes
THIS TELLS ME SOMETHING IMPORTANT. NOW FIND OTHER WAYS TO ACHIEVE IT.
DO THIS BY CHANGING WHAT IF ? TO SO WHAT ? AND NOW WHAT?
SO WHAT? HELPS YOU UNCOVER AND NOW WHAT? GETS YOU SOLVING
In themselves the first three steps tend to ease the tension.
These steps actually begin to reveal the goal, create a concrete goal or an obstacle out of the fear. OBSTACLE IS THE definition of a problem and you are very good at solving problems.
Not a one-shot magic bullet, you may need to turn your mind to it again and again, you may find it’s a circle not a sequential list of steps, but this is a process that works.
It’s also one of the most intense pieces of work my clients do. So be patient and compassionate with yourself.It is an adventure and a gateway to your best future.