STAND DOWN

STAND DOWN

During COVID lockdown we all learned to hibernate. Stimulation was low, connection low, information a continuous monologue mostly around the COVID experience.  Limited decisions. We all learned to readjust, to operate, and function in this low input environment.  And, our stimulation tolerance muscle atrophied.

It would have been challenging to return to a more engaged world, even if that world had been the same.

But somehow things were faster and more complex that we remembered.  It was as if we were living in some kind of rebound energy where information had grown outside our daily consciousness,  overwhelming and more contradictory that ever. Like we woke up in a strange room. In a weird hall or mirrors. Not exactly sure how we arrived there.

If you are like me and many others I have spoken with, you are starting to feel a bit frantic.  Too many options.  Too many choices. Just too much.  And fueling it all is panic that you will miss out on something important you need to live longer, more healthily, to earn more, protect yourself, survive the coming dark years. What and who do you believe? Never have so many truths seemed believable and possible.

So if you are like me you are reaching for….. well everything.  Just to cover all bases.  Every podcast, influencer, expert, vitamin, food, medication, meditation or motivation offering, every thought or item that promises to hallelujah you with certainty into the approaching singularity.  Sadly though, it is almost all confusing and contradictory.

Daily, offers pile up in your inbox. You sign up for programs you tap in and out of automatically, almost listlessly. And still the information is cascading. The securities you thought you had are failing. You do not feel safe or connected.  You are living in survival mode. Or a best anxiously. Time spent doing what you believe is needed to “maximize” and stay ‘safe is increasing. Some days you just want to crawl under the covers. Too much.

So instead of another January burden of resolution and intention, I suggest to my clients to simply stand down. Stop. I promise the outside will be waiting. You will not have missed much.  You can for sure catch the reruns. Many times.  Same book with a different cover. You will have time to decide and navigate your way.

However if you let anxiety – fear – be your jet fuel it will not propel you into the new world, but into personal chaos and more anxiousness.  Being fuelled by anxiety is not being led by its message, your intuition or accomplishment. It’s not pushing your edge. It is frantic.  It creates no finish or advantage.  Just more chaos.

Standing down is not hiding or flopping.  It is a conscious choice to stand behind the waterfall rather than under it.  It is about observing.  And in the quiet there are some questions you can reflect upon. And an exercise you can do. 

Then just let it all settle. For a month. Just notice.  Keep notes in whatever way works for you. I use a paper journal but use anything. Gather internal information.  You will find your own unique point of reference in the process.

I like to write over morning tea.  I naturally get up early.  It’s my best time.  I write my gratitudes. Sometimes simple things like, ‘a great cup of tea’. Sometimes something grand like a trip.  A thing like sunrise. Or a person living or dead or not yet born.  Then I note whatever insight I might have had. Based on a reflection, a meditation, a dream, whatever. 

I use the following questions to reflect on my year and set intentions.

Stand Down Exercise One

Think back over about the space of a year.

Emotions:

When were you most happy?

The most anxious?

Angry?

Content?

What happened that made you feel proud?

What made you feel the most loved?

What are you left longing for?

Relationship:

When did you feel the greatest connection?

Who did you grow closer to?

Who did you disconnect from or grow apart from?  How do you feel about this?

You:

What changed in you since this time last year? How do you feel about this?

Your greatest accomplishment.  It is not always something you did, but perhaps an insight, or a learning. Or a letting go.

What did you discard? What is left unfinished?

if you take time to listen each of your answers contains a message about what really matters. And as you listen ask,” What is it about each of these experiences that made me choose it?”

Stand Down Exercise Two

Since humans found words, words have been thought to hold power.  Language both reflects and informs our reality.

So take a quiet moment, close your eyes and ask yourself, “What word holds the energy I need over the next while?”.  No more than a word or two.

 Do not edit.  The first word that comes to mind is it, no matter how strange or even unwanted that word may seem.  Write it down and let it anchor and guide you.

I am pretty sure you will learn some interesting stuff.  Answers to these questions and similar ones provide insight into what matters most to you.  What you fear tells you what you value, what you fear losing or not achieving.  What you need to do.  

And when you understand the message, noise diminishes and it’s easier to find your way.

JUST LISTEN

Just Listen

Sometimes I am a little fish tickling your toes. A faint breeze moving softly

Sometimes I’m a tsunami in your gut. An arctic wind.

A live wire in your blood

A Python squeezing your heart or head or chest.

Yes, sometimes I whisper and you can barely hear.

Yet I can roar like the ocean as I roll over you and you are drowning in thoughts and feelings. 

Freewheeling through your life.

I can visit once in a while unexpectedly 

Or sometimes I just move in, an unwanted guest. Uninvited.  Refusing to leave. 

Sometimes I live behind a locked door you work hard to keep shut.  Exhausting the last of your strength. Leeching joy. 

Maybe I live in the secret passages of your mind or body jumping out and shouting boo just when you believe you are safe. Maybe I have you convinced you need me to survive, to be connected, accepted, safe. 

Mostly you don’t like me and just wish I would go. 

But what if you really listened to my message? The message that holds a key. The message that can clear your inner air and connect you to your path.

Because I am a messenger.

And the harder you plug your ears, the louder I shout. I might go underground for a long long time but I do not leave until you listen. 

When you do not listen I push for your attention. Your body struggles in discomfort. You run as fast as you can into addiction, work, ever failing and disappointing relationships, illness. Hibernation. Anything to avoid feeling me in you.

Yet I can unlock the wish of your heart. Name the scream of your unheard anxiety and you will learn how to grow.

Ask me, “what do I fear so much to loose or never have that I cannot bear to contemplate it”. 

In the answer lies your deepest dreaming, your best self and best life. Your values, the most authentic youness. 

So say, “Hello anxiety. What do you have to tell me? I’m here to listen”.

What if vs What If

What If vs What If?

STRATEGIZING. Problem solving. Predict and Fix.  A lot of you are great at it. it’s a kind of happy place. And it works well – lots of the time.

But sometimes it’s also what keeps you up at night, right?  Sometimes trying to predict and fix feels well….. relentless.The more you think, the more anxious and stressed you become.

You know what that feels like in your body.

Distracted. Exhausted, withdrawn. Agitated.  Like a hot wire is running though you, like your mind is a supernova? Exploding. IN HYPERDRIVE.  

No one is their best self or living their best life in that state.

I call it Circling the Rabbit Hole. 

Rabbit Hole  

​​A bizarre confusing situation, environment or automatic mental process 

chasing something complicated 

Hard to get out of 

​​​      never truly arriving anywhere  

Familiar?

PROBLEM SOLVING or Circling?

STRATEGY OR RABBIT HOLE 

Both begin with some version of these two words

WHAT IF?

 So how do you know which process you are in?

 How do you recognize rabbit hole ‘what ifs’ and what do you do when you find yourself there?

Rabbit Hole ‘what ifs’ are not problem solving. It can begin by feeling that way, but it is not problem solving.  Just relentless.  Just hard.  

Trying to use predict and fix thinking on things that are not concrete obstacles –

over which you have little influence and you are likely circling the rabbit hole.

You mistake thinking for action.  You mistake thinking for solution.  The outcome is anxiety

So …. when you get that feeling in your body or you are facing something that feels complicated, the very first and most important question you can ask is: “Am I looking at a PROBLEM where problem solving will work or a RABBIT HOLE where it will not.  

It can be easy to confuse them so here are some clues.

PROBLEM ‘what ifs’ 

A concrete obstacle 

Predicting is based on experience, knowledge, strong probability, evidence

Actionable

We can Influence or resolve it

Rooted in articulated goals

There is an end even if another problem piece arises

“This WHAT IF “ thinking brings empowerment, relief and accomplishment, even excitement

RABBIT HOLE ‘what ifs’

Predicted on INFINITE hypothetical catastrophic possibilities

 Not influenceable or fixable BECAUSE they do not currently exist except in our imagination 

Abstract and absolute (should Must Never, always)

Rooted in fear

Unproductive -just more of the same outcomes

WHAT IF Thinking ‘brings anxiety and depletion

 __________________________________ 

MOST STUFF HAS BOTH PROBLEMS AND RABBIT HOLE

Examples:

This is a good idea

Get a diagnosis

Your partner leaves

You are not happy in this relationship

You lose a contract – bank says no

You have an urge to …..

You feeling angry… or happy.. or… I you’ve let someone down

You forget to do something

_____________________________________ 

MY EXAMPLE

I agreed to give a talk to a group of successful entrepreneurs

One side were the strategic, problem solving what if s.

“What if I give a talk and don’t pick something of interest?”Problem?  Yes. Obstacle to success? Yes.  Influencable? Yes? Can I take action? Yes. Ask around. Was I relieved after talking to some current clients about what would interest them? Yes.

The problem side does not keep us up at night.  It’s what we add to it with rabbit hole thinking.

On the other side - where we are focusing today, is the rabbit hole what if process

Been on that slide?  From vision, self-reflection into self-doubt, overwhelm, self-criticism, and even self-defeating behaviours.

I’m giving a talk. I have something of interest.

What if my clients are wrong?

What if I can’t communicate effectively?

What if I embarrass myself? And…….

What if I look at the audience and they are obviously bored?

Ill let everyone down - everyone else is BETTER?

I’ll never have another opportunity this good and and…. and

My dreams are crushed and ………..

Phew! None of that was actually or currently solvable no matter how much thinking I did. I was just circling the rabbit hold trying to solve ………..?  WHAT?

 _____________________________

So, the second important question is:

What’s in the rabbit hole?

Where is the white rabbit leading? 

It’s the circling that’s the problem

SO NOW

JUMP IN

​Ask, what fear are my “what ifs’ trying to SOLVE? Protect me from? Direct me toward?

It’s often at least 1 of these 4 things.

Emotional Echo 

Emotions experienced in highly INTENSE PAINFUL event

usually in your far past, often childhood

Locked in your emotional memory

You desperately try and avoid any echo of that emotion 

(being the eldest of three girls and always outside the sibling circle)

BREAKING A BRULE

A bull**t rule

Vishan Lakhiani The Code of the Extraordinary Mind

Describes bull**t rules

Decided by others

 They get tightly bound to good, bad, right, wrong, lovable, unlovable

They become an automatic and unconscious basis for judgement

(ALWAYS FINISH WHAT YOU START – NO MATTER WHAT!!!DON’T STAND OUT

Future Regret – “If Only” 

FEAR you will get to be x age and … If only

Had taken a different path wrong road,

Not missed some critical opportunity

Have an unmet longing

it’s too late for……

 Moral Outrage

 Believing you can’t stand it when if can’t make something right or the way you want!!!

Some things are simply not fixable in themselves

(I want to be a rock star or……6 FEET AND WILLOWY.

As long as you keep circling, anxiety wins

The trick is to recognize when you are circling the rabbit hole, jump in and follow the rabbit all the way down and through, understand the message you are hearingand make it a problem you can solve.

 ____________________________________________

Use the Following Five Steps

1. Recognize: Rabbit Hole (use your body and rabbit hole criteria)

2. Pause with curiosity (regulate if needed with cold, rhythmic exercise, tapping, breathing, distraction, self-soothing)

3. Separate any actual problem or obstacle that is part of the event and solve it (use problem criteria)

4. JUMP:   Emotional Echoes, Brules, Future Regret, Moral Outrage?   What is the fear?  NO RIGHT OR WROING HERE JUST ONFORMATION. YOU STILL HAVE CHOICE.

5. Operationalize Turn the fear into a solvable problem with these questions.

What old feeling experience is echoing?

Acknowledge, process and release the echo.  Is it helping younow?  Are you actually okay now?

What rule are you keeping?  Whose rule is it?  Why?

Name it and call bull**t on the rule. How is it useful now?

What aspect of your life, values, or song in your heart are youcurrently neglecting?

Putting on hold? Look at balance and true priorities.  Have you forgotten or not named some core value?

 What reality am I refusing?

Are you simply stamping your baby feet?

Then explicitly define what is important about what you want (rock star, tall and willowy)

Never wait in line

Make people happy

Able to wear certain clothing

This can tell you something important.  Now you can find other ways to achieve it.

DO THIS BY CHANGING WHAT IF ? TO SO WHAT ?AND NOW WHAT? 

SO WHAT? HELPS YOU UNCOVER AND NOW WHAT? GETS YOU SOLVING.

In themselves the first three steps tend to ease the tension.

 These steps actually begin to reveal the goal, create a concrete goal, or uncover a constraint or obstacle hidden in the fear.  ‘OBSTACLE’ is the definition of a problem and you are very good at solving problems.

Not a one-shot magic bullet, you may need to turn your mind to it again and again, you may find it’s a circle not a sequential list of steps, but this is a process that works.

It’s also one of the most intense pieces of work my clients do. So be patient and compassionate with yourself. See it as an adventure, a gateway into your best future.

Love and be grateful to your anxiety. It has an important message for you.

Vision 2023

Vision Exercise

This exercise follows The Word exercise. In the years I have been doing this, I am continuously astounded about how the images and metaphors are realized. It is a kind of magic that I don’t feel any need to explain, just experience.

I hold my ‘Word’ loosely in my mind and ask myself how do want this to realize of effect all the areas of my life.

I then browse the internet and my own phot album for images and words that intuitively resonate with me. I do not look for ‘accurate’ images or things I think I should have, but rather input things like, ’Italy, happy family, health, beautiful older men, happy couples, beautiful scenes’, and just go with the flow. Other words I search are things like, movement, joy, courage’. Whatever you seek to realize at this time.

I then download the images - the first is not and will never be me, but the energy is something I strive for and represents a basis for so much more.

I organize my images, usually at least 25 and no more than around 40 into a slide show on my laptop. I add some music that suits me – again what feels right at the time.

I listen to my vision show frequently.

Some people prefer to do an actual vision board where they cut and paste images and put it on a wall somewhere or as a screen saver. It all works.

Intention 2023

What is my Intention for this year?

Intentions have more depth, breadth and capacity that goals. They are directions congruent with our values and hopes.  Intentions have very low failure probability as there are many goals that will satisfy an intention.

I do this exercise every year.  I sit in a quiet space and ask myself, ‘What word or two words are the words that will carry the most energy, direction or anchor for me at this time?’  I take the first word that comes, even if it does not seem to make sense.  In the past my words have been, MOVE and LEAP.  And in each of these years,  those words ran wildly through my life in both anticipated and unexpected ways.

My Word:   __________________________________

What would it be like to live the energy of this word daily?

How is this word already operating in my life?

Three priorities that will align me with my word. (for example Increase my revenue by…; health; family).

1.

2.

3.

WHAT IF? STRATEGY OR RABBIT HOLE?

STRATEGIZING.  Problem solving. I call it Predict and Fix.  If you are an entrepreneur, it’s a kind of happy place. We are good at it. And it works well – lots of the time.

 But sometimes it’s also what keeps us up at night. Sometimes trying to predict and fix feels well….. relentless. The more we think, the more anxious and stressed we become.

You know what that feels like in your body.

 Distracted. Exhausted, withdrawn. Agitated.  Like a hot wire is running though you, like your mind is a supernova? Exploding. IN HYPERDRIVE.  

 We are not our best selves or living our best lives.

I call it Circling the Rabbit Hole 

 Rabbit Hole 

           A bizarre confusing situation, environment or automatic mental process

 chasing something complicated

 Hard to get out of

  never truly arriving anywhere

Familiar?   

PROBLEM SOLVING OR RABBIT HOLE THINKING

Begin with some version of these two words

WHAT IF?

 How do you know which process you are in?

How do you recognize rabbit hole‘ what ifs’ and what do you do when you find yourself there?

Rabbit Hole ‘what ifs’ are not problem solving. It can begin by feeling that way, but it is not problem solving.  Just relentless.  Just hard. 

When we try and use predict and fix thinking on things that are not concrete obstacles – over which we have little influence, we are likely circling the rabbit hole.

 When we mistake thinking for action. When we mistake thinking for solution.  

The outcome is anxiety.

So …. when you get that feeling in your body or you are facing something that feels complicated, the very first and most important question you can ask is, am I looking at a PROBLEM where problem solving will work or a RABBIT HOLE where it will not.  

It can be easy to confuse them so here are some clues.

PROBLEM ‘what ifs’

 Consider concrete obstacles 

Predicting is based on experience, knowledge, strong probability, evidence

 Are actionable

We can influence or resolve it

Rooted in articulated goals

 There is an end even if another problem piece

 ‘WHAT IF’ thinking brings empowerment, relief and accomplishment, even excitement

RABBIT HOLE ‘what ifs’

 Predicting is attempted with INFINITE hypothetical catastrophic possibilities 

Not influenceable or fixable BECAUSE they are 

Abstract and absolute futures (should Must Never, always)

 Rooted in fear 

 Unproductive - just more of the same

 WHAT IF Thinking ‘brings anxiety and depletion

MOST STUFF HAS BOTH PROBLEMS AND RABBIT HOLES

A helpful way to begin to visualize where our what if is heading, is to imagine WHAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH on a normal distribution curve.

Any situation external or internal event (like a thought or feeling) - our goal, issue, challenge or opportunity is at the upper centre part of the curve.  Most events combine problems and rabbit holes:

This is a good idea

Get a diagnosis

My partner leaves

I’m not happy in this relationship

I lose a contract – bank says no

I have an urge to …..

I’m feeling angry… or happy.. or…

I agree to give a talk

One side of the curve are strategic, problem solving what if s

 What if I give a talk and don’t pick something of interest?  Problem?  Yes. Obstacle to success? Yes.  Influencable yes? Can I take action.? Yes. Ask around. Was I relieved after talking to some current clients about what would interest them? Yes.

 The problem side does not keep us up at night.  It’s what we add to it with rabbit hole thinking.

______________________________

On the right - where we are focusing today, is the rabbit hole what if process

Been on that slide?  From vision, self-reflection into self-doubt, overwhelm, self-criticism, and even self-defeating behaviours.

 I’m giving a talk. I have something of interest.

 What if my clients are wrong?

What if I can’t communicate effectively?

 What if I embarrass myself? And…….

What if I look at the audience and they are obviously bored?

I’m not any good as everyone else is expecting and everyone else is BETTER?

I never have another opportunity this good and and…. and 

My dreams are crushed and ………..

 Phew! None of that is actually or currently solvable no matter how much thinking I do. I’m just circling the rabbit hold trying to solve ………..?  WHAT?

So, the second important question is

 Where is the white rabbit leading?

What’s in the rabbit hole?

 It’s the circling that’s the problem. AVOIDING the hole.

 SO … JUMP IN

            Ask what fear are my “what ifs’ trying to SOLVE? Protect me from? Direct me toward?

It’s often at least 1 of these 4 things.

EMOTIONAL ECHO 

Emotions experienced in highly INTENSE PAINFUL event 

usually in our far past, often childhood

 Locked in our emotional memory

We desperately try and avoid any echo of that emotion 

 (being the eldest of three girls and always outside the sibling circle)

________________________________________________

BREAKING A BRULE 

A bull**t rule 

Vishan Lakhiani The Code of the Extraordinary Mind

Describes bull**t rules

Decided by others

They get tightly bound to good, bad, right, wrong, lovable, unlovable

They become an automatic and unconscious basis for judgement

(ALWAYS FINISH WHAT YOU START – NO MATTER WHAT!!!

DON’T STAND OUT)

_____________________________________________

FUTURE REGRET

 FEAR I will get to be x age and …

Have taken the wrong road, 

Missed a critical opportunity

 Experienced an unmet longing

Realize it’s too late for……

________________________________________________

MORAL OUTRAGE 

I can’t stand it when I can’t make something right or the way I want!!!

 Some things are simply not fixable in themselves

(I want to be a rock star or……6 FEET AND WILLOWY.)

________________________________________________

As long as you keep circling, anxiety wins.

The trick is to recognize when you are circling the rabbit hole, jump in and follow the rabbit all the way down and through, understand the message you are hearing and make it a problem you can solve.

Use the following five steps:

1.     Recognize: Rabbit Hole (use your body and rabbit hole criteria)

2.     Pause  with curiosity a(regulate if needed with cold, rhythmic exercise, tapping, breathing, distraction, self-soothing)

3.     Separate any actual problem or obstacle that is part of it and solve it (use problem criteria)

4.     JUMP:   Emotional Echoes, Brules, Future Regret, Moral Outrage?   What is my fear?  NO RIGHT OR WROING HERE JUST ONFORMATION. YOU STILL HAVE CHOICE.

5.     Operationalize by turning the fear into a solvable problem with these questions.

What old feeling experience is echoing? Aloneness

Acknowledge, process and release the echo. How is it relevant or effective now?

 What rule(s) am I keeping for fear of punishment?

Name the rule and call bull**t on it. How is it relevant or useful now?

What aspect of my life, values, or song in my heart am I currently neglecting? Putting on hold? I

Look at your current balance and priorities. Have you forgotten or not acknowledged some core values?

 What reality am I refusing?

Are you simply stamping your baby feet?

Or do you need to explicitly define what is important about what you want?

never wait in line

Make people happy

wear certain clothes

THIS TELLS ME SOMETHING IMPORTANT.  NOW FIND OTHER WAYS TO ACHIEVE IT.

DO THIS BY CHANGING WHAT IF ? TO SO WHAT ? AND NOW WHAT?

SO WHAT? HELPS YOU UNCOVER AND NOW WHAT?  GETS YOU SOLVING

 In themselves the first three steps tend to ease the tension.

 These steps actually begin to reveal the goal, create a concrete goal or an obstacle out of the fear.  OBSTACLE  IS THE definition of a problem and you are very good at solving problems. 

 Not a one-shot magic bullet, you may need to turn your mind to it again and again, you may find it’s a circle not a sequential list of steps, but this is a process that works.

 It’s also one of the most intense pieces of work my clients do. So be patient and compassionate with yourself.It is an adventure and a gateway to your best future.

Are You Experiencing COVID Mood?

Lately a number of clients begin our sessions with, “I think I have depression”. As a licensed psychologist as well as a life strategy coach, I responsibly assess for a mood disorder, but most of the time I tell them, “No, what you are likely experiencing is what I’ve tagged, COVID Mood. 

COVID Mood mimics the experience of depression. Like depression, thinking, feelings, body function, and behaviour may all be affected. It is more than quarter-life or mid-life crisis. And, it is often a new mood experience for normally motivated and energetic people.

Common Experiences of COVID Mood

Clients tell me they are tired much of the time and are sleeping more. Yet not waking with their normal energy.

Pleasure and enjoyment in previously enjoyed activities are diminished. 

Life is exhausting, even busy, but driven by tasks, time fillers, and need-to-do chores rather than purpose. 

They are eating more and less healthily. Many have put on a few pounds. For some, use of substances such as alcohol has increased. 

They feel decreased motivation to exercise, to get out of their pajamas or lululemon, or even do their usual basic personal self-care. 

The boundary between work and not work is increasingly hard to define and manage.  I hear, “Why not complete that piece of work because what else is there to do in the evenings?”.  Conversely,  I also hear,  “I’m just not getting stuff done for work. I could lose my job, but I just can’t get going on this project.” Or, “I’m saying no to new clients and opportunities “.  These pronouncements are usually followed by, “this is not like me”.

Some clients experience a constant low buzz of anxiousness. Life is relentlessly examined through a lens of ‘what if’s’ that produce nothing but more of the same. 

There is less future vision. Why plan for a vacation? Why take that on-line course? Why? So much free time to learn Italian for that trip and yet hours are spent playing mindless games or watching Netflix. 

Connections with friends and family are more sporadic and isolation more of a norm, easier and perhaps more desirable.

Intimate relationships feel a bit stale. One client said, “we are less than a year into our relationship and it feels like we are an old married couple. We sit in front of the tv or on our phones every night.”.

Many are critical of how they feel. “I’m luckier than a lot of people. I have work and I don’t have COVID so what do I have to feel down about?” This is thinking that takes you down.

As I said at the start of this article, COVID Mood mimics depression. Further, the restrictions and limitations of life under COVID are exactly the things advised against if someone is experiencing depression. My clients and I successfully use evidenced based strategies for managing depression to manage COVID Mood. 

Beat COVID Mood

• Watch Thinking

• Structure and Compartmentalize

• Set modest Behavioural Goals.

• Connect

• Inspire

Watch Thinking that Takes You Down

Just naming and becoming aware of COVID Mood as a common experience and understandable reaction to current reality can begin to take the edge off worry, self-criticism and helplessness.

Pay attention to thoughts and thought patterns that take you down or are simply not useful or effective. Practice self-compassion.  This is hard stuff to navigate.

Reflect on the successes of your day at the end of it. Set small goals for the next day.

Changes in thinking and mood follow changes in behaviour.  Do not wait until you ‘feel like doing something, just do it’

Structure and Compartmentalize

Reset the structure of your life. The particulars won’t be the same but ask, “what activities have previously made up my day?” Get creative and realistic with details.

Compartmentalize. Draw lines between activities. Be vigilant to blurs and breaches in work/life activities. Do not organize your work around a 24 hour shift. Shut down your working from home space, even if it’s your coffee table or kitchen island. Be brutal here. Create a transitional ritual between work and not work, even if it’s a quick walk, a change of clothes.

Practice saying ‘no’ to being on call 24/7.

Find your natural rhythm and exploit it. I do most of my focused creative work very early or very late in the day. What’s your rhythm? Create specific times for activities based on this. 

Create healthy meals and make eating an experience not a mindless activity. Share food virtually or otherwise where safe.

Set Modest Behavioural Goals 

Commit to self-care routines. Set a small specific goal each day to experience success. Acknowledge each success. Change “bed hair” to “work hair” even if no one will see you. Up-level to a shirt or business top instead of a tee shirt. Get up an hour earlier. Read something motivational for 20 minutes.

Exercise. Every day get outside. Walk to the store. Use stairs. Activate your body. 

Get up and go to bed on a routine. Yes, this really is an evidenced based strategy to manage low mood. 

Connect

Find every opportunity to experience human connection. Social isolation is depression’s best friend and supporter. Talk to people who serve you. Phone friends and family. Stop texting your way through this. Have Zoom dinners. Or drinks. Or book clubs. We are all heartily sick of remote everything, but it’s the best we can for now. And more than ever critical to our psychological well-being. 

Aim to join real time remote classes. Interact. Don’t work out in isolation.

Reach out to support others.

Inspire

Take even 20 minutes each day to learn something or read something inspiring or motivational.

Plan something fun. You can plan your next adventure in detail. With a friend, partner or child. 

Write something inspiring.

Bring beauty into your life with all five senses.

Replace solo on-line games and activities with learning and things you can play with another person.

Create a vision board or vision slide show. Inspire yourself with images that are uplifting to you. 

Beat COVID Mood. If you are interested in creating a personalized Beat COVID Mood Strategy I’d be delighted to speak with you. Dr. Gail Howell-Jones R. Psych at GHJones.com

**This article is not intended to diagnose or manage depression. If you find your mood getting harder to manage and especially if you experience thoughts of self-harm, contact a health or mental health professional and speak with your family doctor.

SHINE

On a scale of 1 - 100 how brightly do you allow yourself to shine? How successful do you allow yourself to be?  Do you know your inside private ‘rules’ about how successful you can be?  You may not know exactly what these rule are. 

Jules limited success even in imagination. Thinking about big goals came with an aftertaste that was ultimately self limiting. If your big goals are never quite achieved, there may be any number of reasons. Exploring the aftertaste might just give you a clue as to why you hide or diminish your shine. 

How are your rules around shining defining and limiting Thrive. This is part of the work we can do together.

THE EDGE: IMAGINE!

An ’EDGE’ is defined as the marking line between what was and what will be. A space of transition.

Life is full of edges, some soft but some very hard and painful. Whether you welcome aspects of a change or not, being in the EDGE zone presents challenges to your sense of self, the world and others. 

Edges can be painful and risky – they can be very hard to transition. You knew or thought you knew who you were and what ‘reality’ was. What was ‘normal’. Your path. Now it’s unknown territory and it’s hard to predict who and where you will be. The beliefs you held about yourself, your value and your worth, are rocked. When you hit an Edge you begin to question everything.

Alex’s application to law school was unsuccessful – three times. A definite EDGE encounter. Alex contacted me feeling demoralized and at complete loose ends, finding it hard to get going on anything. Stuck. Sense of self and purpose blown out of the water. 

One of the first things we addressed was, ‘why law?’. What did law provide as a life choice and a meaning making system? 

Simon Sinek popularized the concept of ‘why’. Watch his TED Talk on the Golden Circle.

If you haven’t nailed your why or if you have left it behind in the mad rush, then you have a critical initial piece of work. So Alex and I dug deep to answer “Why law?”.

A desire to make more right in the world.

Professional autonomy having a practice. Being independent.

Energetic engagement

Mental challenges

Good income

A strong belief in social justice and a desire to play a part in creating a world where it existed for all.

As we explored more deeply what each of those things meant or would provide, the last continually shone most brightly. To energetically engage to shape a just world. Justice. Also important was the capacity to live a life balanced by fun and family connection. 

EDGES offer opportunity as well as risk and loss. Opportunity to create your bigger future. To re-imagine. To thrive. Edges demand re-definition, re-envisioning, and re-engagement. 

Next we engaged Imagination. Law was not the only or even the best way to achieve this why. 

Ultimately my client engaged with a non-profit that fit the articulated whys. 

Yes there was grief, anger and resistance in this process. 

There was also pride, excitement and contentment. 

Why is this so important now? When it can seem as if normal has twisted beyond recognition or disappeared altogether. 

Because like Alex, when you are in touch with your core values and the why that expresses them, your options open up. What you did and how you did it in the old normal, becomes only one expression. Imagination and playful envisioning can then be engaged to thrive in the next normal. 

Self-defeating conversations cloud your ability to re-define, re-envision and re-engage. To influence the landscape the other side of the edge. With these stories come emotions that drown your resolve and keep you pacing back and forth at the edge, afraid to act. Automatically you focus your energy on finding the closest thing to your old world. Which no longer exists.

So if you feel trapped in a whirlpool of flux, begin by asking yourself,” is the way I am talking to myself focused on pain and threat or energy and opportunity”? 

Become aware of how you talk to yourself. Tap into mind blowing, non-edited creativity. IMAGINE.

IT'S OKAY TO DESIRE YOUR COLOURIST

My clients are amazing. They speak from the heart. Last week one client’s first words were, “I feel so so shallow but this morning I wished I was waking up next to my stylist instead of my partner. I’m not ready to look like some wise old crone”. 

Sometimes it’s the small things that get us. Wanting to look in a mirror and see a vibrant and energetic image is neither shallow nor trivial. Inner beauty aside, how we look can make us feel better or worse. 

Grey hair and wrinkles are not life threatening. Amid death and financial tragedy, it might not be popular to acknowledge but what you see in the mirror may be affecting your energy and mood. 

If you look less than your best you will more likely feel depleted and without the vibrant energy you normally exude. And because large general categories are how humans begin to assess others, this may also be how you are defined and judged in the world. And perhaps how you judge yourself. Yet this is not your sum total. 

Hiding grey or smoothing wrinkles is not simply a denial of aging or who you are. No more than wearing makeup, shaving, a car, home, clothes, body art or interests. More than denial, these ‘trivial’ things are the outer colours of your inside. Trivial and shallow. Not necessarily. So what then? 

My client’s take away from our session (with permission).

Feelings and fears are never trivial. They may not be useful or effective in the moment but never trivial. 

Saying the unsayable helps release the stress and discharge the power of not useful thoughts. So share thoughts. 

Complaining a bit can help. 

Not judging your feelings helps. 

Watch language - in most of western cultures, words like elder and wise no longer resonate with positive energy. Find different language. 

Choose to act as you wish to be. 

For a number of people I’ve spoken with, this means getting up and getting dressed so you look your best. 

My client and I shared a laugh, ‘I guess grey will be the new 40’. Now that is adaptive thinking.

My client’s simple take home project:

Celebrate your best self every day. That means looking your best self.

Act as you would like to feel. The energy you put out will effect how others respond to you. 

Trivial and shallow activities? Not really. 

These activities addressed what was most challenging for my client in the moment. She was speaking from her heart about what was depleting her energy and holding her back. We can always figure out the psychological whys of this some other time. Right now my client needs to move, to get going. So as to not be left behind. 

There may be any number of thoughts and behaviours that are limiting your chances to thrive. I can help you identify them and find ways past them. 

If you are ready to imagine and thrive contact me to schedule an introductory call. 

IMAGINE AND THRIVE

My clients are typically individuals who are not discouraged by setbacks. They always have a plan B. They handle curves in the road with intelligence and grace. By most standards they are successful. 

They call me because these accomplishments are no longer quite enough and life feels flat. Or anxiety has woven its way through it to a point of distraction. Sometimes they are lonely. Sometimes they wonder if anyone really sees who they are. Sometimes they have just come up against an edge that overdraws even their considerable skill set. What has always worked no longer works well or well enough. 

Jonathan is one of those clients. Successful professional. A relationship that seems to be working. Strong guiding values including a desire to give back and several projects in line with these values. But he’s wondering if it’s enough to sustain him over the years. He wonders if at 50 or 60 he will have unbearable regrets. This tortures him even now. Makes him question everything and creates a nervousness I’ve come to see as existential restlessness and difficulty with uncertainty. He wants to use our time to create more certainty by getting to know himself well enough to remove these doubts. He is trying to soothe his soul. 

COVID-19 has struck Jonathan hard. He’s still has a job. Financially he will get through. He is healthy. But for all his considerable skills Jonathan does not do well with empty space or feeling he is not doing enough to make his future more certain. He feels deeply unsettled. 

Sandra is also one of those clients. Entrepreneur. Self reliant. Trusts herself. Not always others. She has friends. A relationship. Life looks pretty good from the outside. But Sandra is lonely. She can lean into just about all life’s challenges except vulnerability. She asks. ‘is this all?’. She tells me she has a longing for contentment. She is tired of being in relationships where she remains essentially lonely. With people who are not emotionally trustworthy. I feel sad she states: “Am I depressed? “. I don’t think so I tell her, just vulnerable.

COVID-19 has deepened Sandra’s fault line. She does feel vulnerable. Rattled - which is a new experience. She’s very busy keeping her business viable but there are hours in the night where she suddenly wakes, her mind filled with the fragility of life and accomplishments. She feels fragile in a way she has not previously experienced. And in those moments her sadness is almost unendurable. 

What is it about this crisis that challenges our psychological as much as our physical immunity? That finds emotional fault lines? 

A number of people fear carefully constructed worlds are breaking along their unique fault lines. Yet these same people have such strength that they press on, surviving. They have as Angela Duckworth describes as ‘grit’, or passion and perseverance for long-term and meaningful goals. 

That’s what gets them through the danger part of a crisis. However, to thrive in a crisis takes more; it demands courage, openness, and curiosity to embrace the potential in that dangerous moment.

So my question is, “how will you not only survive but thrive and play a part in creating the future?”. It is not necessarily the virus and it’s collateral damage to norms and security that is the greatest danger but the lack of imagination. Beyond finding ways to get by, find to ways to create. What are you learning about what holds you back from thriving on the other side of this? How are these fractures, usable strengths, not just obstacles to overcome. 

I encourage clients to acknowledge the risk, to observe their fault lines with curiosity and non judgment. To murmur, ‘Isn’t that interesting’. And turn to imagination, creativity and openness to the possibilities ahead. 

If indeed it were possible to go back to the way it was, why would we want to? The old normal is just that. Old. We have learned too much about ourselves and our world to not be changed. Gripping the old with trembling fingers is not thriving. Too much energy invested in hanging on depletes and then all one can do is barely hang on. 

Many years ago I read a book called the Structure of Scientific Revolutions. The premise was that change happens in science when what is taken as scientific truth begins to crumble and incongruities and cracks appear in what is taken for granted. During this time, there is a great deal of confusion, defensiveness and fear as the old paradigm or normal is slowly shattered. As new visions begin to create a new world. After a while a new paradigm forms and becomes the normal (and the process begins again). In this way science has evolved from worshiping the sun to Newtonian physics to modern physics. 

The corona virus has cracked a lot open. And right now there are no absolute clear new paradigms. That means there is a lot of possibility to play with. And that is the opportunity for each one of us. 

I know you wish to create a meaningful and exciting future. You have a sense of possibility. You have questions. You have proven that you have the perseverance and passion to achieve meaningful goals. You are not put off by hard work. Yet something is stuck. 

I will help you imagine and define the missing piece. Know your fault lines and discover how they both help and hinder you. Turn challenges into strength. Imaginatively and strategically.

If you are committed to a larger future, willing to walk your fault lines and access your imagination to embrace and move into possibility, call me. I will be delighted to talk with you. 

I can help you develop a fearless imagination and a strategy to empower your flow and form possibility into reality. 

CHOCOLATE CAKE MAY BE GOOD FOR YOU

Dr. Marsha Linehan makes a lot of sense to me. And not just because she approves of the occasional piece of cake. A psychologist and clinical researcher, Dr. Linehan’s intention was to find ways individuals could manage difficult emotions in order to act effectively and not make matters worse.

Although she focused on a clinical population, I have found her work invaluable in making useful and effective decisions in my own daily life, especially under stress. Thank you Dr. Linehan

These days you may be experiencing more stress and overload, unexpected responsibility or unusually worried thinking. And, at the same time it has never been more important to be balanced, effective, creative and forward thinking. Yet when a certain level of worry is reached we actually have diminished access to the parts of our brain necessary to do this.

There are many strategies to improve our mental capacity to succeed. Some strategies, like changing the story we tell ourselves about the situation or our ability to handle it, are also addressed in Thoughts From the Edge.

The Linehan strategies I am sharing in these next posts are intended to be used in very specific situations. They are extremely useful if you feel overloaded and you can’t immediately change the situation but demands must be met. Or, if you really need to stand back and catch a mental or an emotional break. And if your usually reliable internal coach is off line and you need a moment to re-engage.

The Three Strategies

* Self Soothing using some or all of your five senses and yes, this is where you can eat cake.

* Distraction

* Improve the Moment

These strategies are not meant to solve or avoid ordinary everyday problems, or to be used as habitual coping measures over the long term.

The full breakdown and description of each set of strategies will be available today and tomorrow on this website.

Not only your true hair colour will begin to show in the next few weeks.

Not only your true hair colour will begin to show in the next few weeks but your true edges.

• Fear is not a behaviour.

• Fear is a basic emotion. 

• Fear drives behaviour.

• Emotions arise mostly unrequested. 

• Behaviour can be chosen. 

Where are your choices leading?

Toilette paper will not save lives. So why hoard ? When you act from fear you do not think. You act from a need for certainty. For control when everything seems to be slipping through your fingers. So toilette paper gets hoarded. And somehow you feel better. Safer. In control ...... ....... of something. 

Acting from a place of fear can be a sharp edge and a slippery slope.

A couple of weeks ago I found myself very actively seeking toilette paper. Although I had at least three weeks supply at home, I went from store to store rather mindlessly, ever more certain that I needed to find some as I saw empty shelves. When I finally found some in a small local store I felt a sense of relief and achievement. How reasonable it seemed to empty the shelf. For a moment. Then I stepped back from myself. What was I doing? I took 4 rolls. And left some for others. 

I’m not boasting about what a grand person I am. I’ve made other choices that are not grand at all. That moment however, I chose to not act from fear. A slippery slope into greed and frantic behaviour avoided. I chose instead to to walk a different edge. But it was close. One small choice closer. Enough similar choices and I could have been on that slope and sliding. 

It’s not just about toilet paper. Every day each of us encounters many choice points. At this time choices may seem limited and yet we have them. 

Get dressed without any place to go? Choose pop or water? Leave the news on all day or listen to a different type of podcast. Find a free app and learn something. Or mindlessly stare at nothing. Pick up the phone instead of texting. Many choice points. 

If you are struggling with mood, these choices can be critical. If you are not, you can still choose to reach the end of this crisis depleted or enriched. You choose. 

Good reading choice around choice: The Slight Edge by Jeff Olsen 

Strategies for Challenging Thoughts That Can Take You Down

Examine the Evidence 

 Do I know for certain that _______? 

Am I 100% sure that _______? 

What’s the evidence for _______? What evidence do I have that the opposite is true? 

If I had to convince someone that this thought is NOT true, what would I say? 

What is the evidence that it will or will not happen? 

Does this thought consider the whole truth? 

Have I ever faced this situation before? How did it turn out? Did my worst fear come true? How could I tell? 

Do I have a crystal ball? 

 Does ______ have to lead to or equal _______? 

 What does _______ mean? Does it really mean that I am a(n) _______? 

_____________________________________________

“So What?” 

 On a scale from 0 to 100 where 0 is stubbing my toe and 100 is losing all the people I’m close to, how terrible would my feared outcome in this situation really be? 

 What if my worst fear came true, would that really be so bad? Can I survive it? 

 How much will _______ really affect my life? 

 What things would I do to cope if the worst case scenario happened? How would I handle it? (be specific) 

 Has this happened in the past? Did I survive it? 

Do other people ever _______? Maybe ______ is more common than I thought. 

_________________________________________________

Alternative Explanations 

Based upon the evidence collected, what other ways can I interpret this situation? 

Is there another point of view that I’ve overlooked? 

How would _______ (someone I really admire) interpret this situation? 

Is there another explanation for _______? 

_________________________________________________

Advantages and Disadvantages 

 What are the advantages of holding onto this thought and treating it as fact? What’s the pay off? 

 What are the disadvantages of holding onto this thought? What does it cost me? 

THINKING THAT CAN TAKE YOU DOWN

The stories we tell ourselves about any event or experience can have a huge influence on how we feel, act and behave and on the choices we make.  Especially in times of crisis it’s important that our stories are realistic, balanced and lead to effective thinking and useful choices and behaviour. Following is a list of thinking ‘strategies’ that are not useful or balanced. Try and catch these slippery and sneaky thoughts.  Tomorrow I will post some strategies to challenge them.

All-or-Nothing Thinking

With all-or-nothing thinking you see things as being either black or white, never as shades of grey. How are you slipping into all or nothing patterns as things get tough during this new normal?

Reminder: Where are the shades of grey in this? 

Filtering

Every moment of every day we screen out sounds around us.

We have to do this. There is too much information at any one time to understand all at once. The problem comes when you screen out all of the positive and neutral information and only pay attention to the negative things. As a result, life seems bleak and depressing. Currently it is very easy to lose balance.  

Reminder: Pay attention to the whole picture.  Turn off the news and only listen at most once a day. Every evening write down three things that have been good, even simple things. 

Under-focusing

Under-focusing is thinking of too many problems, worries, or demands at once. 

Every thought reminds you of another problem or demand, then another, then another until you feel completely overwhelmed. You cannot think effectively in threat mode.

Reminder: One thing at a time. Human beings are only able to think clearly about one thing at a time.  Set aside the main stack of demands and focus on the one thing that most needs your attention now.  This is an opportunity to practice mindful attention.  Find even a small thing you can do to have an effect on your situation.

Disqualifying the Positive

You ignore or reject all of the positives by insisting that they "don't count" for some reason or other. In this way negative belief becomes your only lens. No matter how insignificant note the positives. “I am stuck inside yet I could look out at the sun”.  I had time to play with my child today”. 

 Reminder: Positives count. Recognize that the positive things in your life are at least as important and meaningful as the negative things. Acknowledging ‘positives’, better moments, tiny bright points can balance and improve mood. Some research even suggests that more balanced, less threat focused thinking can help strengthen the immune response.

Fortune-Telling and Catastrophizing

You can tell the future, and the future looks grim. You anticipate that things will always turn out badly and you feel convinced that your predictions are accurate. Your job is on hold and you predict you will never get back on track financially or loose your home. One of the problems with fortune-telling is you experience an emotional impact as though the entire future catastrophe has really happened. You may indeed be laid off and still this does not mean you will not be able to recover.  It will be tough.

Reminder: You don't own a crystal ball. Try to deal with events in the present.

Emotional Reasoning

You assume that your negative emotions reflect things the way they really are. "I feel it so it must be true." "I'm afraid of getting more depressed, so I must be on the way to depression." "I feel hopeless, so there must be no hope."  But remember: Your emotions depend on what you think is going on, not on what’s really going on. If you see the situation the wrong way (“The boss’s frown means she hates me”) you will experience the wrong emotion (fear of being fired). Most people who use emotional reasoning only do so with unpleasant emotions. They never assume that when they feel happy everything must be fine.

Reminder: Don't believe everything you feel. 

Underestimating Your ability to Cope

Sometimes the worst does happen. You lose your job.  You can’t pay a bill.  You or someone you care about gets ill. If you tell yourself you cannot cope, handle it or tolerate it, then it is far less likely you will be able to.

Reminder:  Think about how you have coped in the past. You are stronger than you think.

Corona Virus Response: A Recipe for Depression and Anxiety How to Better Manage Psychologically

 Constant bombardment of negative information

Poor diet- junk food

Worry

Stress

Social isolation

Poor sleep or too much sleep

No physical activity

Loss of routine

William Butler Yeats wrote a rather famous poem called, “The Second Coming”. A kind of apocalyptic moment with Christian overtones but nevertheless the energy of the poem feels relevant. The line that comes to mind is:

 Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

So even if you do not typically experience depression or anxiety, the centres of your life and culture are likely not holding. And for some of you, any internal sense of safety, self and optimism may also feel challenged. 

What can you do when this is now a necessary way of life for most of us? Especially if your job is gone or on hold, you must self-isolate to protect yourself or others, if your financial situation is fragile. If you are simply feeling helpless and afraid. If your plans for growth or just fun seem lost. 

 When the centers of your life are not there?

Even for those of you navigating this edge in a solid position, these may be thoughts and strategies to share this those you know who are not. 

When my gym closed and classes were on hold, I was put out, but transitioned to the gym in my complex - for three days until the strata closed our gym. I don’t run due to an old sports related knee injury. I exercise for physical and mental health. Walking is not really exercise for me. I love the energy and connection of my spin class. It lifts my mood, energizes and motivates me. I was pretty mad.  

 I thought, “It’s a small gym and never have I seen more than five people there”. I imagined myself losing all the ground I’d gained over many years of staying fit. Saw my general physical health deteriorating daily. Felt the physical sensations of anxiety and non-activity take off. Got very cranky.  Unhelpful but powerful thoughts and feelings. Small potatoes in this crisis obviously where people are facing truly difficult challenges, but it was an easy road to go down. Making a big thing out of a relatively small inconvenience.  

Ok, so my point? 

My thoughts and my emotions were sending me outside of my zone of tolerance. So I had a conversation with myself – a stern one. Two strategies stood out. 

1. Change Unhelpful Thinking Patterns.    I recognized, caught and started to change my thinking. It was not useful thinking. I had fallen prey to the thinking styles of anxiety and depression or at least unhappiness and frustration. All states of mind, by the way, that interfere with healthy immune functioning and useful problem solving and strategizing. 

2. Radical Acceptance:  Marsha Linehan writes there are four stances when faced with a problem:

Change the situation

Change our feelings towards the situation

Accept the situation

Suffer 

Marsha says we can’t avoid pain, but suffering is optional. I was choosing suffering. Suffering stems from railing against realities we simply cannot change. When I chose to simply accept the situation, for now, in this moment, my mind was freer to find and accept options.  I’m still unhappy about it. I know it will be a challenge to return to where I am if this continues. I’m not 100% in agreement with the strata decision. I slip back periodically. But I accept that I cannot change it. And I’m finding ways to manage. 

Ask yourself what can you change or modify?  In your circumstances? In your thoughts? 

And if all else seems inadequate try radical acceptance. 

  Choose not to add suffering to the pain. Your mind and your body – and the people you care about - will thank you.

 *My next posting will provide strategies to improve your outlook and manage mood.

Rock the Edge

Wavering back and forth over a decision?  Yes. No.  Yes.  No.  Maybe.  You feel completely lost.

You are not alone. In fact, if you are a thinking, intelligent and capable person you are more likely to have this “wavering disorder”. 

People like us see all angles and want to know all angles. The problem is choosing one. That’s risky and many of us have a certain intolerance for this particular kind of risk or uncertainty.

Unfortunately we cannot create certainty.  I know we try by gathering information and then more and more information. We try to cover every possible angle. We wait for the sign. The perfect moment.

And often we remain frozen, waiting until the last moment, the pressure point that forces us down one road or another. Our dreams remain the other side of the Edge.  We can’t cross into that bigger future so we get pushed and it may not be the direction most truly aligned with our deepest values, desires or intentions. I know that has happened to me. Putting a decision off until I got knocked into something.

It hit me at one of life’s branching points. I found myself standing in the same place I’d stood before, beginning to walk down the same path. It was a crazy-making “Groundhog Day” moment. It made me mad enough to fight back.  And I came up with some strategies I’d like to share with you in hopes they will be of some help.

Ask  “So what?” Instead of  “What if?”

‘What if’ is an anxiety producing position. It generates more ‘what ifs’ and rarely any solutions. It creates not infinite possibilities, but infinite problems.  Problems and situations that right now exist only in our imaginations and may never happen. Yet so many of us bleed energy into trying to live risk free by planning for all alternative futures, by covering all bases. We believe’ what- ifing’ is a way to problem solve, create certainty, prepare, to motivate, to lower risk.  

“So what?” has a swagger rather than a cower.  “So what?”  honours our capacity to cope and meet challenges. So what is the language of possibility. Think of any amazing individual. Did they achieve by taking a ‘what If’ position or a ‘so what ‘ position? When you hear yourself asking ‘what if?’, change to ‘so what?’.  So what would be so awful should my most feared outcome happen?  The worst has not yet happened.  Act as if you can tolerate not knowing. As if you can handle whatever comes.  Do not be bullied by ‘what if’.  Do not let fear crush your dreams

Be Rather Than Do 

Yes, you may be heartily sick of the mindfulness craze. Nevertheless, recall the most memorable amazing moments of your life. My bet is that those times were all about ‘being’. Your mind was not in the to-do list. You were not in the past or the future but in the now. You were fully there, experiencing with the totality of your engagement. Those are my standout moments.

That’s what all our doing, our busyness, is often about - frantically trying to create standout wow moments. Yet those moments are actually everywhere there, abundant and available.  In being mode we connect with our deepest values and strengths and that keeps our intentions ringing true. We experience those moments. Frantic doing actually prevents being.  Oh, and by the way, ‘what if?’ keeps you in doing mode.

Live With Intention Not A Plan 

Intention is full of possibility. There are multiple ways to satisfy intention. When I ask myself what I want, I might answer I want wealth. When I ask myself, “what would wealth give me that I don’t already have?”, I might say, time freedom, a reduction of feeling vulnerable, freedom to travel.

Then I ask what would each of those mean for me? Time freedom means time to learn to dance, sing, play an instrument, spend time with friends, pay more attention to my health, practice yoga, run, time for my relationships. Fun. Play. All this means more quality of life, less vulnerability to health crises.  More connection. Travel.

Ok so now I have a lot of intentions and most of them I can do without ‘wealth’.  I begin to prioritize, to put more into my day, create more balance. Just a bit. It wasn’t so long ago that I was raising my daughter alone, working two jobs, completing my PhD. At first I set a goal and made a plan. I soon realized I was unhappy even as my goal was realizing. My goal was to get my PhD. I caught myself and re-focused on intention. What was my plan intended to give me. My intention was to have meaningful work with family time, autonomy, decent remuneration and security (the security bit had a lot of ‘what if’s?’ in it by the way so I applied strategy one.  Those intentions could have been met in many ways but all would have been congruent with my core values and longings.  Only then could I create a truly strategic plan. A plan does not precede intention but is derived from it. So focus on vision and intention first.

Accept Your Current Reality

I know - yuk.  And yes, face it in the white light of the 360 degree mirror room. Be in the moment. Take it with a swagger. Remind yourself this is only for now. Don’t add the suffering caused by resentment, self-judgement, or regret to the actual pain of the situation. Life has pain, but the suffering is optional and is added by our position on the pain and our attempts to avoid it. Acknowledge where you are. Yes I’ve lost my job or my relationship. Yes my lifestyle is unhealthy. Yes I will never be a ballerina or a rock star or marry Prince Harry.  I’m not the earner I want to be. Yes I am renting an apartment. Yes I want children and it’s not happening. Yes I cannot afford to take that trip. Yes I’m afraid something is wrong with me.  Yes I am lonely. Yes I made a huge mistake.  Yes I hate my job. Yes, yes, yes to the reality of this moment. Don’t hide in denial or avoidance.

It is the only place to begin.  When you know where you are going and where you are right now, it is much easier to find the path.

There is often deeper work involved in learning to manage risk intolerance. These steps are just the bare bones.  If these ideas in any way resonates with you and you are ready to rock the edge, give me a call. I’d love to talk further.

Anxiety: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

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There is an old Clint Eastwood western titled, ‘The Good, the Bad and the Ugly’.  The three main characters represent the good, the bad, and the ugly but they are not actually so simply defined; each has nuances and flaws.  So too with anxiety. It is also nuanced.

I’m an anxiety expert. I get it inside and out. As a psychologist I see how even moderate levels of unmanaged anxiety can limit people from taking strategic risk and moving forward.  Like so many successful people, I have also had to learn to manage anxiety in myself.

Are you under a bit of pressure right now, going through a challenging time? Vibrating with energy? Or are you so stressed you snap at others, move into over control, perhaps heading towards an unhealthy state of mind or body?  Are you shutting down?  Then perhaps anxiety is walking the Edge with you. And that edge can be good, bad or ugly.

The Good:  Anxiety is working for you.

Anxiety is just strong enough to sharpen your senses, your motivation, even your brain. You are in the zone, skimming the edge with everything just a little heightened. Vibrating with the exact tone needed for whatever you do. Anxiety in the good is not really about being afraid, it’s about being ready and alert like an athlete with all senses tuned to the moment, your entire physical and mental system ready to excel. You move in flow. Here anxiety gives you an edge. And you can easily turn it up, down or even off. It’s working for you and with you.  But this type of energy can also lead you to half thought out decisions and strategies.

If this is your edge I would be delighted to have a conversation around how to prime, harness and direct this energy in the most effective and meaningful way.

The Bad:  Anxiety is getting in the way.

Anxiety constantly nibbles away at your motivation and confidence. It whispers “what if?”, “be careful”, “stay with what you know for sure” (even if it’s not actually working so well for you).  This level of anxiety can be very seductive because there is frequently an element of possibility in the “what if worry” as well as “what if I can’t cope?” worry.  But only a possibility and you would survive. Frankly sometimes hopes and goals manifest completely differently than first imagined.  I’ve written before on how many people struggle with uncertainty.  So when you “what if?” yourself into paralysis, you narrow your future or get pushed into a future not aligned with your values and goals.

If you are at the edge and find yourself stuck I would love to have a conversation about how you can move forward with greater clarity and confidence.

The Ugly:  Anxiety is bullying you.

Anxiety intrudes everywhere in your life.  It takes over your thoughts and your behaviour.  It is a bully, demanding more and more time and space until your life closes in upon itself.

Since anxiety is part of the fight-flight-freeze continuum, it can show up as explosive anger, as numbing, withdrawal, or as addictive or obsessive thinking and acting.  Anxiety can take many forms but the common feature is that it significantly impedes all parts of your life.

If anxiety slides into this zone don’t be ruled by the bully. Check out some of these resources and contact a trusted professional:

Anxiety BC

Local Psychological Association

CBT Centre (Vancouver)

Changeways Clinic (Vancouver)

DBT Centre (Vancouver)

Crisis Line

Family Doctor

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We all hit edges. Life happens, the unexpected knocks us down, and we come up against ourselves or wonder if we really even knew ourselves.   My passion is helping you put your unique puzzle together, decide where on the continuum you are, how I can work with you, and if necessary direct you to where you might most usefully begin at this time.  While your dreams and your intentions can almost always be realized, the precise way they are realized may look different than you first imagined. My clients tell me that figuring this out is energizing and relieving.

Therapy or Coaching: What Do I Need/

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Therapy or Coaching?

You will find a variety of perspectives on this question. And so to begin, I want to acknowledge that this is an opinion piece based on my perspective and experience.

Rather than two discrete categories marked “therapy” and “coaching”, I find it more useful to use a continuum with therapy at one end and coaching at the other. Between are 99 degrees of overlap and positioning.

The closer to the therapy end, the more acute the mental health crisis, the more challenging one's day to day functioning. If you are in a relationship where you are being physically or emotionally hurt or if you are dealing with a significant current or past trauma, engaging in criminal behaviours, substance misuse, self-harm or are feeling suicidal, then I believe that before anything else you need to face and address these things.

At this end of the spectrum whatever is going on for you is significantly affecting all areas of your life. You are best to begin with a professional clinical evaluation and treatment plan that may include both therapy and medication. Talk to your doctor or other trusted professional.

The closer to the coaching end of the continuum the more easily or simply the end goal can be defined. While life may be complex and challenging, a clear vision can be constructed around one thing or only a few things. You know what your goal is or you have a pretty good idea about how to articulate it. Coaching helps fine tune vision and develops and supports a strategic realistic plan.

Ends aside, I believe most of us walk the middle of the continuum. In general people have complex multilayered challenges and concerns. And not all coaches or therapists have equal skill in all areas, so before you sign up ask yourself where you currently fit on this continuum and where you want to focus?

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In what areas am I struggling – where are the edges in my life right now?“What do I need to move forward at this moment?”

Vision: I’m discontent or needing to move forward but I don’t really have a clear sense of what my bigger future looks.

Skills: I know what I want but I am not clear how to get there. Is my skill set adequate? How can I develop the skills? Do I want an accountability structure?

Old Stuff: Past experiences, including old thinking patterns and core beliefs seem to get in the way. I always end up in the same place.

Current Stuff: The unexpected inside or outside of ourselves and our control, existential crises (divorce, illness, job loss, loss period).

Environment: Responsibilities, limitations, opportunities, relationships, finances, time.

Physical Capacity: Age, health, wellness, energy

Reality: Is my vision or goal at all realistic. I want to be a rock star but I can’t sing and I hate crowds? I want to have a child but I’m 49 year old woman. (Ok it’s possible but realistic?). What can be changed? What needs to be accepted?

Emotions: Fear, anxiety, worry, sadness, grief, anger, resentment ....Bring these insights to your initial conversation.

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We all hit edges. Life happens, the unexpected knocks us down, and we come up against ourselves or wonder if we really even knew ourselves. My passion is helping you put your unique puzzle together, decide where on the continuum you are, how I can work with you, and if necessary direct you to where you might most usefully begin at this time. While your dreams and your intentions can almost always be realized, the precise way they are realized may look different than you first imagined. My clients tell me that figuring this out is energizing and relieving.

gail@GailHJones.com www. GailHJones 604-351-4359

The Universe Sending a Message or Just Me Making Meaning of a Situation? Why It Does Not Really Matter.

We hear a lot about the universe giving us stronger and stronger messages when we do not pay attention to more gentle nudges. One day we are facing a huge problem - financial, health, relational, or professional.  And as human beings always do, we seek to understand the ‘why’, to create a narrative - a story about what happened in order to make sense of it and carry on in an unpredictable world.

Some years ago I set my intention to have a business that was meaningful in terms of connecting and working with individuals facing a life Edge whether by circumstance or choice. I wanted to walk the Edge with them because I did not believe it’s necessary or even useful to walk it alone.  It’s just too lonely and takes too much precious time.  If you read my story at gailhjones.com it will help you understand my motivation and what still drives me in this work.

I also wanted flexibility and time freedom to engage in and enjoy people, activities and self-care but a full on professional life as a clinical psychologist and entrepreneur left little time or energy for anything like that.

I thought I was doing okay in this unbalanced life, believing the future would reward me.  More importantly I thought I had all the time in the world and could avoid the risk of making 'premature' choices. Then I had a health scare.  I realized that my health was something I had always taken for granted.  I couldn’t continue to do it all at superwoman intensity. Or if I did, it was going to take an unacceptable toll.  I had to make some choices and take some risks.

My point here is that I resisted and whined and then concluded that because of this Edge I needed to become more focused - or refocused on my original intention.  I had gone off track. I wanted my decisions to be risk free.  The outcomes certain. I agreed to roles and responsibilities that were not truly aligned with my intention but taken on from fear, obligation, apathy, guilt and so on.

Now was my health scare a nudge from the universe? Or was I simply creating a meaningful story around an unexpected challenge? And did it really matter which it was? The outcome was a needed re-evaluation of how I was living my life and how I wanted my future to look.   I needed to embrace uncertainty and tolerate my fears around taking risks and choosing.

 So refocus and recommit to your intentions. It’s ok to make meaning around setbacks or challenges. Whether it is the universe outside or inside, something is nudging you. Pay attention.

My passion is helping people find their way beyond hard Edges and begin to play in a bigger future.  If you are committed finding your way beyond the Edge I would love to talk.

Gail@GailHJones.com

604-351-4359